Business As Usual (De-Stress)

Business Rules

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the “whooshing” sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Tell what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and most days you are the statue.
5. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
6. I don’t have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the fuck is the ceiling?”
8. My reality check bounced.
9. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
10. I don’t suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
11. You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
12. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons. Because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
13. Everyone is someone else’s weirdo.
14. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
15. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
16. Don’t be irreplaceable – if you can’t be replaced, you won’t be promoted.
17. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
18. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
19. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
20. Eat one live toad first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
21. When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
22. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
23. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
24. Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.
25. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.
26. To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
27. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
28. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
29. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
30. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
31. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
32. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
33. The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

Guy Rules

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
b. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari.
c. When your date is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is stirctly optional).
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
16. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, baby, push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?
18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing; both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone, hang up if necessary.
20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.

Expressions for High Stress Days

1. You! Off my planet!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Errors have been made, others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiney-hiney opinion would be?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce myselves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed it.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working till a good fastfood job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize that you haven't fallen asleep yet.
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times to I have to flush before you go away?
16. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind Door # 2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic, disorder -- my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except my friends deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home.
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw. Did I step on your little, bitty ego?
25. How do I set the laser printer to stun?
26. I'm not tense, I'm just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

Random

1. Pride, commitment, teamwork -- words we use to get you to work for free.
2. Succeed in spite of one's management.
3. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
4. There are two kinds of people in life. People who like their jobs and people who don't work here anymore.
5. If you do a great job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
7. Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
8. If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals.
9. Rome did not create an empire by having meetings -- they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
10. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
11. Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
12. Two days with Human RIghts Violation.
13. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
14. It's only unethical if you get caught.
15. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
16. Never quit until you have another job.
17. Work harder slaves!
18. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
19. If can read this, you're not working.
20. Hang in there, retirement is only 30 years away!
21. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.