De-Stress... As Always

Sometimes I wish... if I could just really drown my sorrows in alcohol... I'd have a beer belly ;p

Five Stages Of Drunkeness

STAGE 1 – CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You know you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage, you are always right. And, of course, the person who are talking to is very wrong. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

STAGE 2 – ATTRACTIVE
This is when you realize that you are the most ATTRACTIVE person in the entire bar and that everyone fancies you. You can come up to a perfect stranger, know that they fancy you, and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

STAGE 3 – RICH
This is when you suddenly become the RICHEST person in the room. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have a bottomless wallet. You can also make bets at this stage because, of course, you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will always win. Anyway, it doesn’t matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy with the knowledge that you are clearly the most ATTRACTIVE person present.

STAGE 4 – INVINCIB LE
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially with those whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because you are now INVINCIBLE. At this point, you can also go up to the partners of the people whom you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or strength. You have no fear of losing this battle, because as well as being INVINCIBLE, you are CLEVER, you’re RICH, and you’re more ATTRACTIVE than them anyway.

STAGE 5 – INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point, you can do anything, because you are now INVISIBLE. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them for the same reason. You are also INVISIBLE to the people who want to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you’re still CLEVER you know all the words.

Warnings

Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HAD IN.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without splitting.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, and more handsome than some really, really, really big guy named FRANZ.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.