Joke Time

Engineer Jokes

1. The pessimist says the glass is half empty, the optimist says the glass is half-full, the engineer says the glass is ½ more than is needed.
2. People say “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” but engineers say “if it ain’t broke, there aren’t enough features yet”.
3. An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing wives and mistresses. The architect said he preferred his wife to his mistress because he could build a lasting relationship. The artist said he preferred his mistress because there was an element of mystery. The engineer said he preferred both because the wife will think he’s with the mistress and the mistress will think he’s with the wife when in reality he’s in the lab, getting some work done.

A Fairytale for the Assertive Woman of the 2000s

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped onto the Princess’ lap and said: “Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am. And then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”

That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in white sine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: “I don’t think so!”

Labor Pains

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pains to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain that the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

Doctor's Opinion

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on some new procedure to be adopted in the hospital, the Allergists voted to scratch it while the Dermatologists preferred no rash movies.

The Gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated that they were laboring under a mis-conception. The Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted, the Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought it was madness, the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow but the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision to the same asshole who didn't give a crap.