A very long post of much-needed ranting…

I don’t think I’ve ever had a day like today so far. I was just so tired the whole day & for seemingly no reason. I guess some of it might be physical, it may also be party emotional; I know it’s mostly mental, though.

I just feel so tired, both physically & mentally drained. It’s only the 3rd week of school, but I feel like I’ve been studying for months. Every one that I know has mentioned that 2nd year is the hardest. Those in the upper years have said that 2nd year is very toxic and you’re going to be really surprised. “Mabibigla ka,” is how they all described it. So I was prepared, I was forewarned.

It was only summer when I began to prep myself to get ready for big-time studying and toxic classes and schooldays when June hits. It was even before summer when I was planning how my study plans would be like in second year (study every afternoon, no matter what; the lesson that day and the lesson the next day). It was when I received word that I passed 1st year that I began to set goals for myself (aim high; if not DL, at least make sure I don’t take the removals).

I had formulated The Plan.

1st week came and went and it seemed promising. Sure, maybe I wasn’t able to completely do what I had originally planned for my study plan, but hey, at least I wasn’t left so far back from The Plan. I may not memorize every single lesson and medical term, but at least I understood it – more or less.

Pathology lectures weren’t too bad, microbiology was a bit confusing but nothing I knew I couldn’t understand if I could just study it. Pharmacology was a bit beyond me but I was confident that if I just spent enough time, I’d crack it and, while I didn’t aim to top my tests, at least I could get by enough to pass. Surgery seemed okay – not as hard as I thought it’d be but I kept in mind that it was only our 1st session. Community Medicine was very intimidating and just thinking about it makes me wish God would create one extra month this year so I could finish our thesis – but I told myself that as long as I took things day by day and kept my cool, I’d do okay. Patholab filled me with despair since I couldn't recognize a single thing and had no idea what we were supposed to look for and, least of all, what we were looking at. Microlab wasn’t too bad – actually quite interesting as we dealt with microorganisms. But then maybe the bottom line of all my problems is time. See, I wish I had a lot more of it. Or if not more of it, then more of me so that I could read all the things I need to read.

I get up everyday at 7 (earlier during Wednesdays) because I don’t want to be late this year like I’ve been… well, almost all my life. So far, I’ve been late… hm… 5 times? Which is pretty good, considering my personality.

Side story: I wasn’t supposed to be late this morning but just as I was about to leave, I noticed that my left eye was red for no reason whatsoever and after worrying whether it’s a sign of sore eyes or not, I just decided to put Visine and hope for the best. Coz of that, I was late. And like all the times when I’m late – there was a pre-quiz. Why is it always like that? Even during my first year. Whenever I’m early, there’s no pre-quiz and every time I’m late, there’s always a pre-quiz. Am I cursed or something? Do the gods find my punctuality (or lack thereof) something to make fun of? Whatever the reason, I missed a 9-item quiz for our Physical Diagnosis class.

School starts at 8am (730 on Weds) and I have a 8-10am (730-930, Weds) lecture, and then another 10-12am lecture (930-1130, Weds). After a 1-hour break (2-hours on Weds), I head back to school for our 1pm (130, Weds) lecture. It’ll end at 3pm and then another will start until 5pm (530, Wed). You’re lucky if the prof finishes early (which rarely happens) because then you’d have either a longer break or an early dismissal. And I’m not even beginning to talk about the information we learn, not to mention the quiz schedules. Micro always gives 10-item hellish identification quizzes (I’ve only managed to pass one so far). Patho and Pharma have also given quizzes, though not as often as Micro, and they’re quite… challenging. Which is putting it mildly. But then, other than Micro, all the other quizzes mesh in my head and I don’t know where I took what and when. And forget keeping track of scores.

In our 4 daily lectures (or, sometimes, an am-pm lab session – which is also tiring and time-consuming), we learn all that we are supposed to learn about medicine. From micro’s gazillion microorganisms and their names and what they do and how they’re recognized to patho’s body pathogenicity and many of the body’s reactions to pathogens (the two subjects are kind of related). From pharma’s memorizations and mastering of the many drugs and what they do to the body and what the body does to the drugs and let’s not forget what happens when the body has weird side reactions to the drugs and oh almost forgot, the many different drugs for a single reaction. Or a few varying reactions (plural) just to get a desired outcome (singular). Whew. And now, PD has added to the mix… although it doesn’t seem too hard since we’re still in patient history and how to obtain it (apparently, PD is, like, 70% of an MD’s diagnosis and lab tests are just, like, confirmatory – basically, a doctor pronounces diagnosis based on history and not so much lab results). And it’s a really interesting subject, if a bit too… well, information-laden (what med subject isn’t?)

I’m beginning to get an unhealthy loathing for micro… with the selfish professors who refuse to give out copies of their lectures and talk so fast you give up taking down notes after the 1st hour. And they're fond of using so many acronyms that, by the end, you’re just all “what the heck is she talking about?!” I mean, really, they mention the entire name once or twice and then go on with the rest of the lecture with acronyms. What the heck is SLE, AMD, APCC, DTH, CD4? At some point, I just give up caring. And then they give out identification quizzes and when you get low, they’re all “you didn’t listen!” Puh-lease. I don’t have photographic memory. I can’t remember all 100 terms you just said and then pick out the 10 most-likely-to-be-answers out of them. Perhaps if it were multiple choice, it wouldn’t be so bad, but it’s not. And memorization has never been my forte. Especially not after two hours of information overload where every other word out of the prof’s mouth is considered important. And when they comment that they had a question in the quiz that they kept repeating during their lecture, I just wanna raise up my hand in surrender and weep and be all, “with all the many things you kept repeating, am I supposed to remember that too?” But then I guess I can’t complain. My other classmates are passing. So maybe there’s something wrong with me?

The above explained my ‘mental burn-out’ and now we lead off to my ‘emotional burnout’…

I studied for our first evals. Maybe not as hard or as much as I would like (graduated that weekend, so please forgive for wanting to at least savor the feeling… no matter how fleeting or how blah I actually felt about graduating). I accept that I wasn’t able to study pharma, but I didn’t think I’d get that low. And what frustrates me the most is that about 5 of my answers were answers I changed and the one I crossed out was the right one. Edi sana pumasa ako, diba? Or at least, got higher!

I don’t know yet how I did in surgery but I was able to study for that (one lecture lang naman) and I actually liked the topic so I don’t think I got low – but since surgery dept is on the 4th floor of the faaaaar building, nobody really wants to go and see if our grades and answer key have been posted. But I'm still praying I passed. Patho… ah, now there's the stitch. Masama loob ko dun. I studied. Maybe not enough to get a high grade, but I had a pretty good feeling I passed. And I did, sort of. We had two patho tests last Monday and I passed the sync and failed the non-sync. Which I think is really unfair as I studied for the non-sync and wasn’t able to do anything more than browse through the sync topic.

Which leads me to…

Why am I having such a hard time in medicine? This is what I want, my dream, what I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember and now that I’m here… I’m struggling. Heck, I’m not just struggling, I’m sweating blood and bleeding tears as I trudge with broken bone and body just to get to the finish line. Know what I mean? It’s like I feel like I’m being dragged through hell before I can pass. Sure, I never expected med to be easy, certainly not! And I have been told often that taking up med was going to entail a lot of sacrifice. I knew that. I was ready for that. I’ve been waiting my whole life for this (well, I’ve been waiting my whole life to have an ‘MD’ tacked on to my name & this is a major stepping stone for that... heck, it's the only stepping stone). And yet… why is it I feel like medicine is kicking me every chance it gets?

I want to stick it out. I’m going to stick it out. But 3 weeks into the school year and I feel like crying of frustration and fatigue. I go home every day, eat and rest a little (that's when I arrange everything I need for the day and the next day) before hitting the books and yet the time is not enough for me to study and remember everything I need to know. And I wake up early the next day and the cycle begins anew. I have to assimilate the new information while my brain hasn’t yet fully comprehended the past lessons.

I feel frustrated with myself when profs act like we’re supposed to know it coz they mentioned something in passing. I feel disgusted with myself when I have classmates who understand the lesson while I can’t. I feel like my self-esteem is taking a massive beating when I feel like I can’t keep up with what the professors are saying – the many terms that they expect us to memorize and know even if they just mention it a few times in a 2-hour lecture. And I feel bad that I feel all this.

I can’t even relax coz I’m always rushing, rushing to catch up and stay ahead (or, at least, on schedule) for my lessons. I hate how I see some people having fun, watching movies, going to parties, and passing our tests even though I don't think they study as much as I do. I envy that they can be so relaxed and be able to pass while I panic and study and fail. Am I that stupid? It just basically boils down to that, really. Am I that slow? Are my mental capabilities not what I though it was/is?

I don’t want to think that and yet I can’t help it. But how can I not be mentally able to do all this when I took up a freaking program course that I managed to follow through until the end? How can I not be able to deal with this when my blockmates (and other classmates) were able to get through this? How can I not be able to deal with it when I know deep inside I can? I keep getting frustrated with myself and I hate it. I know I can handle it, I know I can do it… and yet why can’t I see the results? I do my best but there are times when I just need a break after 24-hours of intense studying that's only broken by short bursts of sleep (I’m always puyat… which leads to the physical fatigue I mentioned)? How can I NOT be good enough?!

Today was the worst. I was sooo sleepy this morning, I slept through PD (which wasn’t so bad since they were just repeating a lot of things and I think I understood it even with my nap) during our 730-930am lecture. And when micro (930-1130) showed up, sad to say, I was too sleepy and tired that I could barely assimilate what she was saying. But I tried. And I tried and tried but she was be speaking Greek for all I understood. Too many acronyms and information. We had a break and I planned on napping but didn’t have enough time so I only managed to grab a 5-minute shut-eye before heading back for a full afternoon. I now drink coffee during my lunch break so that I’d stay awake in the afternoon. And I don't even want to be a coffee drinker.

Our pm micro class was a lesson that was related to this morning’s and so I wasn’t able to fully comprehend it and my brain refused to concentrate (needless to say, I got an abysmally low grade on the quiz). Patho came next and it was easier but my brain kept wandering no matter what I tried to do. Our prof had a mustache and a little patch of hair right below his lower lip… and for some reason, my brain seemed to find this extraordinarily fascinating. Every time my gaze strayed to the prof, my brain would latch on to that patch of hair and my hand would start itching to just shave the darn thing off! Which meant I studied the slides instead, which is supposed to be good, right? But while I was able to get every other word our prof said, my brain still kept wandering. “Sleep”, it said. “Rest” was also a chorus. “Just one day of no-med, no-studying, please”, it begged. Obviously, I can’t oblige. And I can’t even have one weekend when I can actually take a breather because we have exams every Monday.

Basically, I can only breathe easy when October hits. And the fact that I know I cannot rest for months just gets to me. Every day classes for 8-5? Studying every afternoon and every weekend? Is this the sacrifice that everyone talks about? I was thinking more along the lines of working as hard as I never thought I’d work. And I’m doing that. But… but to not have enough time even for myself? Is that a sacrifice that’s needed for me? And if it is, am I strong enough to give it? To completely give over my life to studying? No rest, no pocketbooks, no internet, not much time for family and friends? Is that it? To completely put the rest of my life on hold? Am I strong enough for that? Am I willing to accept that?

And a part of me says no.

I’m a firm believer that in order to grow, one must have a well-balanced life. Besides, I just can’t give them up. Friends, family? They keep me grounded, help give me focus – they are, after all, my support system and (family) the reason I am doing this and the reason I can do this. Pocketbooks? It breaks the tedium of medical terms and, please, take away everything na, just not my beloved books! Internet goes hand-in-hand with friends since, duh, I keep contact with my friends through the net. It's not like I have time to text/call them! And some of them are in other countries in which case, I don't have enough money to call them. They’re my support group! They’re my connection with the outside world! Am I supposed to not have them either?

I can’t. Although I’m sure that if med school was a person, he/she’d be all, “duh! I’m not asking you to noh! Get real!” but, still. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do to help make this easier.

Even as I write this, I feel guilty coz I should be resting and sleeping since my body needs it. But am I also to be denied my time, my right, my need to rant? I need it. I need this. I’m going crazy. And when I say ‘craziness of med school’ I mean that literally. When I say 'keeping my sanity', I really mean that. It really is crazy. There were times in Patho this afternoon when I was thinking about all this and wondered if I would start crying every night or every week just to release the tension and fatigue? Would it be healthier? Would it help? And, really, I dislike crying. And crying is not something that's planned. But it was just that, this afternoon, I was thinking about all the things I need to do for the day and the year and the more years to come and it just freaked me.

I knew medicine was going to be hard… but I didn’t know it would be hell. People would tell me that it’d be worth it in the end – I’ll be doing what I love and, hey, guess what, doctors are always rich. Or at least, usually well-off. So they say. I mean, sure, I guess there are rich/well-off doctors out there, but that’s years and years away. And I just learned that we start earning when we’re interns… we earn whopping 500 pesos a month. And -wow!- if we work in PGH, we don’t get paid at all but we get free (3) meals everyday!

Yes, I'm oozing sarcasm.

500 bucks?! What the heck will I do with 500 bucks?!! Can you buy anything with 500 bucks?! Can you even eat in a month with 500 bucks?!! Forget it! The lowest of the low in terms of employment gets more than we do. Isn’t minimum pay, like, more than 500 bucks a month?! And this when we’re interns already, post-board exams, pre-residency. Basically, we don’t earn a lot at all during our first few years after graduating. I think a normal college grad would earn more in 5 years than we would in the first 8 years post-graduation and board exams. Am I going to be 40 or 50 before I can even reap the benefits of my job? Am I going reach stability when I’m nearing menopause while the rest of my generation can reach their financial stability (or close to it) mid- to late- 20s?

That doesn’t seem fair at all. Sure, I'll enjoy my job, but I'd like to do so with 3 square meals a day and vacation time to do what I want.

Yes, this is what I want. Yes, this is my dream. Yes, I’ve wanted this so much that I could practically taste it and I’ve felt that way for so long that to not feel it is so weird. I can’t imagine doing anything else other than be a doctor. This is what I want, what I really want. But will it take more from me than what I’m ready to give?

Great. I’m getting all weepy. Haaaay.

Sometimes I entertain the thought of stopping and just getting a job. Playing 'what if' with my life. But what other job will make me happy? Sure, I can earn money… but will I enjoy it? Will I be able to accept living like that for the rest of my life especially since I know I had the chance to study med? Iba siguro kung hindi kaya ng family ko magmed ako. Iba yon. I'd have no choice but to choose another profession where I would be content as well. And I'd accept that because it is how life is. But to change professions when I know that the only thing that stopped me from obtaining my dream was the fact that I gave up? I don't think so. Ang panget pakinggan, diba? I gave up. I gave up coz it was too hard, too demanding, too much of everything.

I don’t want to give up. I want to continue. I want to continue so much. But it’s so hard. So hard talaga. Actually, it's more frustrating than hard. And I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically affected. Nakaka-iyak na.