Valentine Blues

I decided to be anti-Valentine's this year for no real reason at all. I never really liked much the way the holiday is so commercialized, the way roses' prices shoot through the roof (even though the day before, it was loads cheaper), the way ALL restaurants are totally packed. Valentine's is supposed to be the day that's all about love. Nowadays, though, it's all about money.

You might that I talk like this because I don't have a date. Yes, I don't have a date, but even if I did, I doubt it would change how I feel. I know I don't like going out when it's really crowded so that means that dinner out is out of the picture. I'd settle for flowers and cards, though

I was talking with my friend in class this morning and we were talking about how we didn't like going out during Valentine's. And that's when I realized that I don't think I've ever celebrated Valentine's with a boyfriend. It doesn't bug me, but it just made me think. Hehehe.

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A talk between friends about our plans for the future made me think of mine. And I worry that I don't have set plans. My "plans" pretty much comprise: "be a doctor, be successful, aim to b rich, marry one day" but no specifics. Lately, I've been thinking that I don't think I want to live here and raise my family here. I used to have hope for our country and used to berate people who went off to the States for greener pastures. Have hope, I said, and remain here. Stay here so the country will have decent people. If you're not happy with the way things are, then change it, and start with yourself. And so went my "wise" adages. But lately, the shenanigans of the people in the country have filled me with disgust. I keep thinking and hoping that things'll get better, that there's hope, that the bad guys can't win all the time. But how can the good guys win when the very system of our country ensures that bad guys will always come out on top? I can hope and pray as well as the next person; I can be the good citizen until I'm old and wrinkled, but somehow... it doesn't seem enough.

The simplest rules like road rules are rarely followed and usually circumvented when it's convenient, traffic enforcers don't enforce and sometimes, worsen traffic jams. The sight of policemen is supposed to fill a citizen with nationalistic pride and yet in our case, it doesn't. The people in power are supposed to be the forerunners of good behavior and yet they're the ones who demand that cars stop just so that they can pass. Talo pa doctor na may emergency. I'd understand it if it were the president and their cruising through and making other people stop for them is a matter of state safety and not plain vanity. The news, which is supposed to be unbiased and factual, is anything but.

How can this country ever improve when the very steps needed for improvement are riddled with flaws? It starts small, I know, and yet even when I try to talk to my contemporaries about how things ought to be, some don't believe me. Or some say that that's not the way the world works. Mostly try to justify their actions by saying that, if people in power do it, why can't they? And that they'll only change when those in power change. Anu ba yun.

And public safety is getting really bad as the years go by. I DO NOT want to raise my child where the very street he/she lives in will be fraught with danger. Kidnappings, petty theft... and some aren't even done due to poverty but because the perpetrator desires something that's beyond his/her finances. Puh-lease!

Perhaps the most disheartening of all, is that out of, say, 100 people I know, 60 want to seek greener pastures, 30 have stay here but don't really want to and 10 don't really care. Out of all of those, 75 believe that there's no hope for this country while the rest don't care, with the exception maybe of 2 who believe there's still hope and want to make a difference. Out of the 75, 35 are good citizens and 40 go with the majority. How sad is that? Obviously, that's not the entire population. But consider the fact that the only people I know are in the middle-upper class of society - the supposedly "leaders" and hope of our country.

I don't want to join the bandwagon in seeking greener pastures, but I DO NOT want to live my life wary of the people around me. Nor do I want to drive around this country getting pissed with every other vehicle I meet on the road.

And how sad is that?

Now that I've stated that I do wish to seek greener pastures... and that's where my whole "plans" for the future get thrown into whack. See, I don't really know where I want to live. My plans for life pretty much just cover wanting to be a doctor and then traveling (working in different places) after graduation. But how can I build a reputation when I'm not even staying in one country for more than about 5 years? I'm all about helping the poor and stuff, but I'd kinda like to help me first before I stretch out a helping hand. Forgive me for being realistic. And I can't do that when I'm traipsing all over the world since I don't stay in one place long enough to build a reputation. And once my reputation is built, then that means that I'd kind of have to live there already, wouldn't it? And I'm not too sure where I want to settle after.

Maybe I will end up following the plan I thought of about a month ago. I'd like to work in a cruise ship. I get to travel and work all in one. Plus, I heard they give good money. And my workload won't be THAT much since I won't be part of the serving-cleaning crew (who have 18-20-hour workdays, 7 days a week).

My parents assured me that people pass through stages in their lives like the one I seem to be perpetually inhabiting. It'll pass, they say, because once I'm there, things'll make sense. Gosh... I sure hope so. I can be frustratingly indecisive sometimes. Oh well, bahala nalang si God :) If I've got problems, I'll just leave my fate up to him.

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"We should probably never look into our own hearts, Sparhawk. I don't think anybody likes everything he finds there."
--Stragen from Domes Of Fire, Book One of the Tamuli by David Eddings