"VITAL SIGNS"

I wasn’t planning on posting anything today, but then I read "Vital Signs", a publication (since it’s not a newspaper and I hesitate to call it a newsletter) of our school. I got it yesterday but only read it now. And I was… touched by the articles in it; not touched in a necessarily good way. They hit me, yes, and I can’t quite explain what they made me feel. It wasn’t good… but it wasn’t bad.

There are numerous articles on it, and those that I’ll include here are: "The State Of Philippine Economics: A Fiscal Crisis In The Making" (the only article I didn’t read since I don’t know what a ‘fiscal crisis’ is and I couldn’t really care less – forgive my apathy, but if I took note of every crisis my country has and feel it, I’d be crying for 10 years), "Where Have All The Good People Gone?", "Doctors Becoming Nurses", "Hallway", and "How I Plan To Pass (or Breeze) Through Medicine".

"The State Of Phil Eco…"
I actually read the start and the author (Mary Ondinee U Manalo; no I don’t know her) said that she never liked economics but managed to get good grades in high school because she had a good teacher. I’m the opposite – I liked economics (and my teacher) and liked it so much that I even played around with the idea of becoming an economist. But I had to follow through on my first love, medicine.

And I’m sorry if I seem cold-hearted and not civic-minded for me to not care about it. But I am just tired. Our country "reels from problem to problem like a drunken sailor" (tm David Eddings). It’s not that I don’t care, it’s just that I’m tired of caring. You might wonder why I don’t do anything about it and I’d tell you I’m wondering the same thing. I’d say I was young and blah-blah, but how old should I be before I cared about my own country? I’d say I knew nothing about economics or politics and stuff, but how much information do I need to see the many beggars in the street? To look helplessly while our peso devalues and everything becomes more expensive while becoming poorer in quality?

Perhaps I should do something. And I actually want to. But what?

"Where Have All The Good People Gone?"

by RJ (the third year gay guy) is about Dr. Engracia saying "why don’t we have any students like that?" in response to news about the president of another university raising half a million pesos for the tsunami victims. RJ jots down all our excuses – too many things to do and not enough time (although he talks more). And that’s true.

He writes something in bold: "our university, who trains nurses, physical therapists and doctors has no people who care and would give anything to help". And that’s also true. Sad but true. And I’m included there. When the tsunami happened, I shook my head and tsk-ed with the rest of them. But did I do anything? Did I even do anything to help others who were helping? No. Do I have any reason? No. I do have an excuse, it’s a human excuse and I know I could have done better, but see… I had other things to worry about than the tsunami, which happened a couple of seas away. Am I cold-hearted? Your call.

Others might disagree with me (that’s fine) but I kind of believe that the End of Days is nearing. Mankind has nowhere to go but down. Have I lost hope? No. I look around and see what I see. There are good people, there really are. But the not-so-good outnumber the ‘good’ by, say, twenty is to one. An exaggeration? Not really. People profess to care but don’t do anything about it (and don’t lob stones my way if you’re affected by that, goodness knows I’m like that too). Caring, while all good and fine and proper, is NOT enough.

Yes, I care about the tsunami victims. I even tsk-ed them away. Will that feed them? Will it give back what and who they lost? Will the "tsk" of one person’s they’ve never seen and will never see and couldn’t possibly care about matter to them? No.

The funny thing is that I do want to help. I’ve got all these ideas I want to pursue and do. But… after graduation. I’ll deal with them and start doing them… after. I want to wait until I’m in a position where I’ll be able to do a great deal and on a more personalized level.

"Doctors Becoming Nurses"
Kem was affected by this, I know, and I was, too, but not negatively. See, what RJ wrote was simply reality. There are now many doctors who become nurses because it’s financially more stable. God knows I want to take up nursing and earn those lovely, lovely dollars (or euro); I won’t deny it: I LOVE the perks that nurses have. But… see… that’s not what I love. I love what nurses have but I don’t love what nurses do.

Again, (Kem, peace :p hehe) I’m not lobbing stones in anyone’s direction. Had medicine not been my passion, the thing I wanted to do since I was four or five years old and holding a toy injection at my brother’s butt and smiling at the camera, I would’ve gone off to nursing. Not so hard, not so long, lotsa money, chance to live wherever I want to; what’s not to like in nursing?

Sometimes (more like every day), it always crosses my mind: why don’t I just take up nursing? When I’m trudging through the gazillion enzymes that all sound alike and reading up on cycles that don’t make sense in biochemistry; when I force myself to remember terms I know I’ll forget after tests in anatomy, when my eyes glaze over at atlases I have to memorize; when I spend the weekend studying instead of watching movies or reading books or sleeping late… it always enters my mind to just show med the finger and shift to nursing. When I think about how many more years I’ll have to study, "nursing" is what my mind whispers. When my family talks of finances and I feel guilty about being one of the more expensive things my parents have to spend for, I want to work as a nurse, and soon.

But I don’t shift. And, hell yes, I also wonder why. Maybe it’s because when I take up nursing, it’ll be like going to Enchanted Kingdom when you really want to go to Disneyland. It’s close to what I want, but not what I want. It’s almost everything I want to be but it’s not it.

Nursing will open up more opportunities for me, I know, especially regarding what country I’d want to live in. Nursing will pay a whole lot of money even when you’re not the best. Nursing may be the answer to a lot of my questions, a lot of my problems. But it’s not what I want. And when I hold in my hands that little piece of paper that tells me I’m a doctor, then maybe all the years I’ve spend studying and memorizing, all the money that went into my education, and the other joys I’ve had to forego… maybe that’ll all make sense then. It’ll all be worth it.

But in the meantime… nursing is very tempting offer… but I don’t think it’s for me.

And regret is something I don't want to live with.

"Hallway"
A story by Ericka – who I do know – and how she was able to transform a simple place into a point to reflect.

She said that we, the students, pass by the halls of the hospital every day. Most pass it to go to the subject departments, to and from the car parking lots. And we ignore the patients we see in the hallway, the patients who patiently wait for their turn in the doctor’s office. We ignore the patients who go there and stay in the sometimes-crowded hallway… and, likewise, they ignore us. Who are we, anyway, except medical students? They came to see doctors and we’re not those, not for a couple more years.

And apathy is born.

She writes, "a slow but steady alienation from the people we chose to serve, by entering this course. We learn to be immune to people in the midst of the toxicity… we just remember that we have to study hard, if we want to live to see another year in medical school… sometimes, we have to remember the reason we walk this hallway, the reason why we see these people. We promised to serve."

And thus, I promised to serve.

"How I Plan To Pass (or Breeze) Through Medicine"
There’s just one bit that caught my attention: "Another error of medicine is teaching the diseases and the cures, but never how to comfort."

One does not teach ‘comfort’. There is no such thing as Comfort:101. It is felt. It is in the heart and it is freely given. If a person doesn’t feel, there is no way on this sweet earth he’ll be able to give comfort. If a person isn’t sensitive, then he won’t be able to give it.

But, sadly, yes, I agree with the author (Rick S. Doush)… many doctors now are simply robots who heal but don’t even care.

And I leave with "Heart Sounds" by Hopeless (wish I could write like this!)

What is the sound of one’s heart breaking?
It’s when you see the girl of your dreams with someone else…
It’s when you find out that life is not worth living
It’s when you see her loving him with their wedding bells.

What is the sound of a heart that has broken?
It’s when you forget the other important things in life
It’s when you hold in your heart pain unspoken
It’s when you see her with another man, as his wife.

What is the sound of a heart that is mending?
It’s when you can finally go out under the sun
It’s when you can remember the memories, smiling
It’s when you see her, once again, a free woman.

What is the sound of a heart that is healed?
It’s when you get to tell her how you really feel
It’s when it’s finally you out there in the field
It’s when you get out a ring in front of her and kneel.

What is the sound of one’s heart breaking?
It’s when you see the girl of your dreams is with you
It’s when you se her look at you, her eyes crying…
It’s when she tells you that she can’t ever love you, too.