CHRISTMAS BLUES

When I was a little kid, every time Christmas would draw near, I'd feel excited, happy. There would be a moment some time in November or December, when something would light up a spark in my heart (as dorky as that might sound) and I'd think: I have the Christmas Spirit. It wasn't just the gifts, although in my child-like heart I did enjoy all those. But there was just something in the air... I'd feel happier, every day, with no apparent reason. Hence, the term "Christmas Spirit" and when January or February hits... it'd sort of go away. Like the light would dim in my heart... but that wouldn't mean that I'd be very sad or anything. It's just that... there wouldn't be a... 'high' anymore.

But then I grew older - or so I tell myself - and that spark doesn't come anymore. But that's okay, maybe it's just life. I mean, Christmas is still Christmas but without the innocence and 'Christmas Spirit'. I miss it, but it didn't change the meaning of Christmas for me - that is, a time for family and, yes, a break from school. I still liked it, enjoyed it, was happy about it.

But then lately... I feel... sadder, more down, whenever Christmas is around. Depressed, sometimes, like I don't feel like going out anywhere and I'd much prefer to spend the entire holiday season just in my room, curled up on the bed, and reading a good book. Or watching a good movie. Whatever I'm doing, I prefer solitude to the inevitable crowds of people - family or strangers - on Christmas. How weird is that? When everyone is on a seasonal high, I'm stuck on a seasonal low.

I know I should look forward to Christmas and everything that goes with it, because I really do/did like it... but then now... Haaaay. I dunno. It's just... different. Every year it happens, even when I don't want it to. And I really don't. I'm tired of feeling down and depressed, of yearning for solitude in the most crowd-friendly of all the holidays. I'm just tired of it all.